Yeah. That's never happened before.
Anecdote:
My wonderful wife has a great part time job where she acts as a
"standardized patient" to train medical students, and she's able to
reach down somewhere and cry in character at the drop of a hat. It
freaks young doctors out pretty good to deal with that sort of real
human emotion. They often have a hard time believing that it's an act,
even though she can walk out of there smiling and comes home feeling
refreshed.
We're an uptight lot in Western society,
uncomfortable with public displays of emotion -- or maybe with being
confronted by the fact of a stranger's humanity, vulnerability, their
struggles. It's a lot easier to deal with the world when you imagine it
as an anonymous mass of ciphers than as a teeming hive of people each
with their own particular problems and hopes and dreams. We get very
good with dealing with the surface of the world, and not venturing too
far below that.
So it is in roleplaying games. For the vast majority
of people in the hobby, their characters are statistics and bonuses
wrapped around a nugget of personality, some wisecracks, and whatever
backstory makes it to the table. "Playing in character" seldom means
more than speaking in a slightly different voice.
Even for those of us who are inclined toward
roleplaying in a dramatic mode, it's usually a restrained affair.
Although we're aiming for situations that are tense and dramatic, and we
encourage each other to commit to scenes that go deeper than an
ordinary RPG would, it's understood that performance may be felt more deeply than it is seen
by the audience of other players -- so much so that I have written here
about the occasional need for literally breaking into third person to say what a character is feeling.
I think I'm a pretty good actor at the table, as far
as these things go, although I'm not sure I've got a huge range. I can
do things with my voice that show how I'm feeling better than some, even
if the subtleties of expression around my mouth are obscured by a
beard. But most of the time, although I'm able to be "in the moment" and
in the head of my characters, I don't go that deeply into
characterization that I'd be able to produce that strong an emotion at
the table.
What was different this time? I'm not sure. I think
this was an important moment for my character, who was trying to hold it
together and be strong for his family and friends -- who are, to be
fair, fighting with the devil for their very souls. His sister, however,
has been fighting a different fight, and last episode was finally
losing her struggle with AIDS in an era that barely knew what to call
the disease. Although they've scrapped more than their fair share
throughout the series, he has a deep attachment to his sister, and feared losing her again. More than that, feared that she would die
hating him (which he probably deserves) -- essentially rejecting him for
all time.
The tears came when he was pleading with his sister
to let him be there for her when she died, and to tell him when the time
had come -- not to run off again and perhaps disappear into the
wilderness. "I don't want you to die alone in the woods, like an
animal..."
Megan was pleased with this, and always encourages
my actorly leanings, although most of the time I consider my theatre
days long behind me. I think it was strong medicine for the other player
in the scene, and I hope it wasn't an uncomfortable thing for others at
the table. Like I said, people aren't used to this sort of thing in public. Even as a pretend thing.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what
brought me to that moment, exactly, and whether I'll have others like it
or if it that was just a momentary crack in my emotional armour. I
wasn't afraid of that reaction, or embarrassed (as an adult I have less
invested than I once did in pretending aloofness), and it's pleasing to
be moved by your character on a personal level.